so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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