girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
