Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
