I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
