Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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