3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
