I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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