ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
