It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Randomize
