Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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