Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
