Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
