I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
