I could have mohawked her pubes.
only if we run a train.
done.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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