If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
