girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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