u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
