You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
