the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
