Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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