I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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