Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
is that a dick in a sweater?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
