respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
