On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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