Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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