Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
