i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i think i just lost a toe
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
