I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
