yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
