I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
