It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
