You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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