I need to stop coming to work sober
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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