I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
