Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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