i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
