I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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