She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
