There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
