I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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