Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
