Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
