She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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