: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
