I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Randomize
