You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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