atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
