I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
