I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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