Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
