I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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