I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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