Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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