keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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