we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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