I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
