Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
