I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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