I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize