And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
