we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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