I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
