weddingsv make me drug and hornr
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just forgot I was standing up.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
