Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We are all done wearing pants today
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
